Now and Then

 I found myself having to attend funeral services twice in the midst of this pandemic. The first one was for my  aunt who was like a second mother to me, and the second was for the actual mother of one of my best friends. Both of these ladies were alike in lots of ways. They both were devoted Catholics (in words and deed) and the center of their respective worlds were their families. Unfortunately they also both succumbed to health complications from COVID 19 within months of each other.  My aunt died during the earlier days of the quarantine so no church mass was allowed. The only service was a brief gathering of only 15 of us in the funeral home. Reflecting on the amount of time and money that my aunt and uncle (who both attended services regularly) spent in support of their parish church, it made me slightly angry that she wasn't afforded the full ceremony that we all knew she more than deserved. I know her children wanted to provide that for her and were quite upset that this important ritual wasn't going to take place. It was a surreal day, and I felt like it didn't quite provide the kind of closure that we needed. 

My friend's mother passed on more recently so the guidelines had eased a little. She was able to schedule a full mass although it had to be held at an alternate church. This church happened to be located a few doors from my home and was  also my childhood parish. The last time I had attended a mass at that church was when my Uncle Joe died about 9 years prior. As I sat 6 feet away from the next person, I easily fell back into the rituals: kneel, stand, respond, offer peace (albeit through a V hand signal). I was excited to see that my favorite priest who had recently retired was going to be giving the homily. As usual, I listened to the readings and gospel and tried to find a personal message for me from God. And that is when it hit me: this is what used to exasperate me about going to church every Sunday. If this priest was the one reading the gospel and giving the homily, then it was usually quite easy to "hear"a message for me. But if another priest was providing the services, I often struggled and sometimes was even angered by the "loving" message (the last time I attended mass a priest made a statement condemning same sex relationships which really offended me) that was delivered. 

Contrasting that with my new-found spirituality, I realize that the differences between "church going Fran" and the person I am now are really amazing.  In the past I focused on my relationship with God once a week for an hour. Now I am constantly checking in with God through the angels that connect me with my Higher Power. In the past, the rituals were robotic and without much meaning. Now I have been so inspired by my spiritual connection that I have started a business counseling others and started a blog on my spirituality. If I was lucky enough to attend a mass with a meaningful (for me) message, that message stayed with me usually for that day only. Now I am  using my spiritual nature to constantly reflect upon about everything ranging from past heart break to fulfilling new goals. Probably most meaningful for me is that I'm no longer afraid of dying. When I attended funeral services in the past, I believed that I would see my loved one again.  However,  it still was a frightening thought to think that I would have to die first. I now feel that the only thing to fear about death is wasting the time that we have left. I believe that my soul has already been where my deceased loved ones are although I can't remember it. Not only that, by asking for signs from my loved ones I've received some lovely messages with Spirit's help. I'm looking forward to sending signs to others once I'm in spirit form again (I will be a prankster for sure).

I'm not denouncing the church or any other religious establishment. I have received my share of comfort and even joy through various religious ceremonies. But when it comes to how I live my day to day life, I will continue to check in with Spirit my way without all the kneeling and standing.